Hello! Thanks for looking over the website! I wanted to get some words down, so this will be off the cuff.
I want to be a video essayist.
There. I said it. It takes a lot of me to admit even simple things like that about myself. I dread the idea of finishing things, of actually saying something, and meaning it. I can't explain why. Regardless. I want to use this blog as a space of working through those feelings of fear and dread. It also gives me an opportunity to practice my writing and actually post it online.
These days, I find myself being reserved towards others. Always keeping people at arms length out of fear of being seen beyond the surface. I want so desperately to be seen, but I don't even know what exactly that means. What would be the magic threshold where my feelings from "ignored" to "understood"? That dilemma goes for a lot of things in my life. There are so many needs that feel impossible to fulfill because I can't specify what it means to fulfill them.
I've heard people describe humans more generally as a species where enough is never enough. You build a house, next you build a castle, then a kingdom. I'd say the sky's the limit but these days it most assuredly isn't. Point being, enough is never enough. The fact that I'll always be wanting and yearning for something I don't have kills me inside. When will I ever be happy, actually when will I be content?
God, I feel so embarassed even writing this out. There's something about publishing words that feels closer to my heart than any other artform. When I show a drawing to someone, they interpret the drawing, not me. They may try to infer things about me through my art, but they never see very far due to their lens being so far away from me. Art gives me space away from the very people I'm trying to reach, it allows me to hide behind the art, while still being somewhat seen, even if the colors are filtered. It's not impossible to create such a wall with words of course. Poetry comes to mind, fiction comes to mind. But I want to write non-fiction.
I want to write about myself, and my story. That's what I plan to do with my video essays. I want to finally pull back the canvas and reveal the person on the other side. No matter how flawed she is.